Monday, May 15th, 2006
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12:44 am - "oh...but sweetness follows"
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so...i've noticed that i have not really written anything too personal in here as of late.
that's okay. i guess personal things are just that...personal. of course, when i first got this thing...i was an angsty ass teenager with plenty of depressing things to discuss. now that i've slipped into adulthood...i sort of hold dear my most reflective thoughts and ideas about things. and i especially hold dear those things that i feel are most important.
now...since i feel the need to write anything at all...vague as it may be...i shall just say that i feel a lot better about things...and not quite so confused and/or upset. sometimes talking in circles really can get you somwhere...even if it just takes you back to the beginning (which is sometimes the best place to be.)
i do understand. and i will just go with it...because it's pretty okay worth it to me. i'm still holding in a little bit of worry, along with a little bit of breath...but i'm gonna go ahead and let this one out. the trust is there. the sincerity is there. and it's all more than pretty okay worth it to me.
and now all there is to do is just sit back and go with it...
but for now...i'm pretty certain that the time for ben and jerry's, ultra sad bastard music, and repeated viewings of kate hudson movies is pretty far away.
and with this, simply put, i will just be.
current mood: pretty okay good. current music: r.em.
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Saturday, April 8th, 2006
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12:43 am - claire said i had to...
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write your name...
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you. 2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. 3. I'll name something we should do together. 4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me). 5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you. 6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you. 7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. 8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST.
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Thursday, March 30th, 2006
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3:25 pm - this just in...
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i'm stressed out. a lot. everything keeps going wrong...thanks to me. i'm in a shit mood. and more people have made their way to my list de la shit.
there is a party on friday. and on this night...i shall forget about everything, everyone, all stresses and responsibilities. these things will be forgotten in the name of alcohol. i will end up on the bathroom floor on friday...and that's okay with me. this girl is getting t-rashed. a lot.
thank you. fin.
current mood: discontent
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, February 24th, 2006
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9:59 pm - this is neat...and fairly accurate
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the Asserter Test finished! | you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT.
"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.
How to Get Along with Me
- Stand up for yourself... and me.
- Be confident, strong, and direct.
- Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
- Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender,
vulnerable side.
- Give me space to be alone.
- Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
- I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's
a personal attack.
- When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just
the way I am.
What I Like About Being a Eight
- being independent and self-reliant
- being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
- being courageous, straightforward, and honest
- getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
- supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
- upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a Eight
- overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't
intend to
- being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
- sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
- never forgetting injuries or injustices
- putting too much pressure on myself
- getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when
things don't go right
Eights as Children Often
- are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
- are sometimes loners
- seize control so they won't be controlled
- fugure out others' weaknesses
- attack verbally or physically when provoked
- take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest,
or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings
Eights as Parents
- are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
- are sometimes overprotective
- can be demanding, controlling, and rigid
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You liked the test? so please RATE it :-)
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose AY
Would you rather have chosen:
BY (FOUR) CY (SIX) AX (SEVEN) AZ (THREE) | |
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 70% on ABC | | You scored higher than 57% on XYZ |
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current mood: sick
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Monday, February 20th, 2006
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11:47 am - "what it all comes down to is i haven't got it all figured out just yet..."
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Johari Window
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Lindsay+Calhoon
it feels like a lot has been going on...and it feels like i haven't really had a chance to write about it. i've been doing some writing in my myspace...i kinda like that.
i'm on break between classes...that's all for now.
current mood: busy current music: "hand in my pocket"-alanis morissette
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Friday, January 20th, 2006
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10:43 am - "i am a poster girl with no poster..."
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the ITP shows open tonight.
eek.
current mood: anxious current music: "32 flavors"-ani difranco
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, January 16th, 2006
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4:47 am
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so this evening...(or last night since it's nearly 5 am) i went to see a live wrestling show with john, daryn and a buncha fellas. it was a lot of fun. i was totally excited about it from the time john asked me to go...and we had a ridiculously fun time. i'm glad i went. =) oh...and the pictures are classic. "PLEASE JUST LOOK AT ME ONCE!"
now...last night-this morning...i just had what was one of the best conversations i have ever had. i had this four hour long convo with tommy, andy, and laura. it was pretty perfect...perfect people...perfect topics...the perfect time. i dunno...i just absolutely love when things like that happen...connections. i love connections with people...especially when you are already connected to them and you get closer. it's nice. i don't think any of us were planning on talking until after 4am...and we were all tired...but we kinda forced ourselves to stay up because we knew that having a spur of the moment, serious, and amazing long conversation at that time was something that doesn't happen everyday...and it's worth a few yawns and stretches (and for me a quick power nap where i wake up to words like "dick" and "dagger" being thrown around together.) i just love learning things about people that i care about...i love learning things about people anyway. but when i can learn something new about someone that i feel i already have a sort of handle on...i am so pleasantly surprised and taken aback. at the same token...i feel like i figured some things out about myself. that's kinda funny. funny and refreshing.
anyway, it was nice. and i smiled the whole way home.
current mood: good
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Friday, January 13th, 2006
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5:29 pm - casting part 2...
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i was cast in ANTIGONE as a member of the chorus. yeah...this is a predictable role for me...but a role all the same. i'm not gonna complain considering there were a good number of people that didn't get cast. and actually...the chorus is pretty solid in ANTIGONE. it should be a cool role.
i'm really excited to see what shows we take on next year. i definitely plan on being more focused on auditioning next time around. we shall just see i guess...we shall just see.
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12:07 pm - casting part 1...
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so...no part in EQUUS. that's fine...this was a show that i was really more excited about SEEING, you know? i just really want to experience this show as an audience member. not to mention, my main concern with the possibility of getting in the show is the john and daryn are leaving pretty soon...and if i were cast in EQUUS i would probably never see them...considering rehearsals start today and they are 6 days a week up until the run. that's pretty intense. (all the same...it's still a skoch disappointing...but whatever...)
on a good note...the ITP rehearsal went SOOOO well last night. my main concern for a while has been what laura's reaction was gonna be to the show that she wrote. the first couple of times she saw us do it she ended up more upset than anything else. however...i'm not quite sure what has changed...but last night she came running up to each of us (myself, andi, and kerri) to thank us and tell us that the show has turned out better than what she had imagined in her head. chris bell went on a rant about how great we were...and how we achieved real "acting" (according to meisner *shoves dorky glasses up my nose*). i felt really good after the rehearsal...i hope i can keep my performance quality up for the rest of the rehearsals...and especially the shows. i don't wanna give my all yet...because i don't want to feel like i am wasting anything. however...i guess that's where true talent lies...having to give your all everyday. actors on broadway have to give their all everyday for what could turn into years. ha...i'm not comparing the itp show to anything on broadway...i'm just saying that more than anything...after all this stress and concern...i think i will walk away from this experience a better actress...and that's what it's all about.
now...this is casting part 1 because the ANTIGONE cast list has not gone up yet. basically...i think jacque's gonna shove me in the chorus. that's fine, i suppose...i guess i really can't expect too much. it's only my sophomore year and i'm certainly not one of her shining stars. of course, i have this fear in the back of my mind that i might not get cast at all...we'll see. i'm kinda nervous...i don't want to be upset...but i will be. however, whatever happens i will use it to get better and do more things. i always want to learn and do more...i don't believe in moving backwards. besides...i have four more opportunites to prove my worth and try to get some really good roles.
okay...i have to head off to the rest of my classes.
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Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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12:21 am - "i can see a lot of life in you..."
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i am the absolute most frustrated person in the whole world right now...call backs for ANTIGONE were a damn joke. i adore jacque...i do...but i could have killed her.
i think that more than anything i am frustrated because i feel like i have done a really good job with auditions and call backs this semester. my style and thought process behind acting have improved a great deal. i ended up really liking the monologue i wrote this semester...and the performance of my monologue. jon said that it really looked good on stage (i wrote it for the purpose of using a lot of space...i wanted to move). i put down on my audition form that i wanted to be in ANTIGONE first...and then EQQUS...but the only reason i did that was because i figured that getting shoved into the chorus in ANTIGONE was far more attainable than receiving an actual part in a show like EQUUS. however, i felt extremely good about my reading for the role of Hesther...which is really the part i wanted to go for from the beginning...but i didn't stick with that choice because i always sell myself short.
more than anything...i hate the fact that i just sat around for four hours to read for the role of freakin' ANTIGONE...with the complete knowledge that i do not have a snow ball's chance in hell of getting that role...or any role like it for that matter.
what sucks most is that i KNOW that i will not be getting a good par. now what sucks MORE than that is that i do not know why that is. if i do not get something decent this semester...i'm sorry...but i will be at a loss. i had a good audition...and my call backs (for equus at least) were solid. it's embarrassing to be a PERFORMANCE emphasis theatre major and never ...PERFORM.
oh and i'm pretty sure that i am sucking it up at ITP...because no one ever has anything positive to say about the actors of the show. we basically just keep getting shit...and that is not at all encouraging.
...i guess instead of bitching i should filter this frustration into something more productive...like becoming a better actor. i know that i have improved an enormous amount from when i first got here. though it is really nice to hear and gratifying...i don't need anyone to tell me that. i know that...i just wish the professors did.
i'm so mad i feel like i should go running...(on that note...guess who didn't lose the weight she wanted to for the ITP show...which is next week. i suck).
okay...i refuse to be upset or weird about anything that happens with the shows this semester. i am above that. i have been nothing but professional and hard working since i've been here. i didn't get cast my entire first year...so i decided to do absolutely everything else. i involved myself in everything i could. i will just try to do the same thing in the event that i do not get cast this semester too.
on a happy note...i thought that i wasn't gonna get to see john tonight because callbacks lasted longer than a showing of SCHINDLER'S LIST...but he surprised me by wanting to go sit at waffle house earlier...which was very sweet. i met him and daryn there...and that literally made my night. i hope i wasn't too cranky. i was joking with john and he said something along the lines of "you act like i don't ever do anything sweet for you"...i hope he doesn't actually think that. he shouldn't...because i think he is the sweetest guy i know. and he is one of the most genuinely nice fellas too. ...and i'm lucky AND more than anything i appreciate him. so there. but i felt bad afterwards...again...i hope i wasn't cranky. i'll talk to him tomorrow about it, i'm sure.
...i am already ready for this semester to be over with. not good, huh?
hopefully i'll wake up tomorrow and have a completely different outlook...that tends to happen to me. the first week of the semester is always the worst for me. it will all be better soon. sorry...i hate being so sour.
oh well...everything will work out, i'm sure. all is well.
current mood: frustrated current music: "that dress looks nice on you"-sufjan stevens
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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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2:50 am - "i've got nothing to do today but smile..."
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so...my car died.
but i had a super great weekend (including monday)...so that actually outweighs the badness of the death of my car. even so...i'm a happy camper.
i adore everyone in my life. =)
current mood: happy current music: "the only living boy in new york"-simon and garfunkel
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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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12:27 am - "i can hold my head still with my head in my hands..."
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so i've been in a funk (in spurts...every now and then i'll get a second wind)...and i feel pretty bad about it because john b. gets kinda weird/worried if i get in one...so i'm trying to snap out of it. i don't mean to be a downer...i just can't always be a stand up comedy routine...you know? sometimes (and this will sound crazy...ha)...but sometimes i just like to be quiet...or keep to myself...or think about things over and over...or daydream. i don't know why i get like that. i just get lost in my thoughts pretty easily...and sometimes there are just too damn many of them bouncing around up there and they just keep running into each other and trying to move around to make room for new ones.
working at the pawn shop has been pretty okay/good. i'm not gonna lie...it can get awkward working with my boyfriend and for his mom. it feels like i'm being overly watched to mess up or "visit" or be too "lovey dovey" or whatever. i don't think we're like that...but who knows? ...and i'm not completely convinced that i am at all liked (or at all respected) by the other guys that work there. that's not the biggest deal ever...it just creates little annoyances where i just catch myself smiling and nodding...vs. speaking my mind and getting an attitude (which i can be quick to do sometimes...i just have a habit of not being okay with taking shit...but whatever). i mean...it's a temporary, every now and then job where i basically can pick and choose hours and get paid fairly well to not be overworked by any means. i really can not complain. i mean...more than anything it's a favor being done for me. i was given very few shifts at my other job...so it's pretty cool that i have another form of cash flow...even if it's just for december. however, i am about to start back at wild adventures...and you can bet your ASS i will complain about that one.
i went out to eat dinner with john and daryn and then we saw THE FAMILY STONE. the company was pretty okay/great...as usual. the movie...eh...it was just pretty okay/good. i mean...it was a cute, "touching", holiday film. it was fine...i'm glad we saw it. the guys have all of these movie projects they are either starting or getting ready to start on...and i'm excited about that for them. on a selfish note...i'm kinda worried that i will never see john because of them...and they are getting ready to leave soon. but that's just one of those many thoughts bouncing around up there (and it is probably a pretty unfair one)...and i have always been understanding of the fact that he has a lot going on and a lot of things to do. i'm pretty certain that i've never kept him from getting anything accomplished...and i wouldn't do that. that would be gay of me. and mama didn't raise no fag. no??? nothin'??? fine. eh...i'm sure things will be okay. john and i tend to work out pretty well...says me.
so i came home after the movie...and the plan was to work out with megan over here...but it was rainy and freezing...and i've been feeling kinda crappy/sleepy/weak lately. i might be getting sick??? i probably should just take some vitamins or something. in any event...we both flopped out...so the plan is to work out over here at 9am before i have to go to work at the WA. instead...i got a call from andy saying the bry was in town and that i should head over to chris bell's to visit. myself, andy, chris, josh paul, bry...and later christian...sat around talking and playing taboo. it was pretty fun. my r.e.m. jams are starting to sound like a long string of lullabies. i'm exhausted now...and i have a morning filled with running and sweat ahead of me!!! ...so methinks i'm gonna hit the 'ol sack.
...i had some crazy dreams last night and some of them i didn't get to finish. i'd like to see where they go. i wonder if that's even possible? time will tell.
current music: "try not to breathe"-r.e.m.
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Friday, December 16th, 2005
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12:33 am - ugh...i'm an idiot
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sometimes i treat myself like shit. that's dumb. oh well...
current music: "look around"-blues traveler
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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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9:08 pm - "so many hearts in great demand..."
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i feel kinda weird.
i've been working out and eating really well. i am already starting to feel a little better since i've been doing that. hopefully i won't get all weird and obsessive about it...unfortunately i tend to do that. i think i should be fine.
there's a lot going on in my head right now. i don't know what to do with all of it. i guess laying down and listening to azure ray really low will do something for me...i hope.
current mood: weird current music: "november"-azure ray
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Friday, December 9th, 2005
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12:45 am - "hey merry christmas...merry fuckin' christmas"
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ONE...more...FINAL
and this semester is officially over for me. =)
however, grades do not post until monday after 5pm(i believe)...so i shall hold my breath until then.
current mood: pretty ok/good. current music: "step into christmas"-elton john
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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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12:30 am - "tears stream down your face when you lose something you can not replace..."
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here goes my obligatory finals bitching...
well...all i really have to say is that if i can get through friday...i will be okay.
everyone seems so stressed out about finals...and i should be too...but i always find it more fitting to stress out the two hours before the exam or, as the case may be, the performance and due date of over 20 pages of paper work...rather than be in a funk for days. however...those sets of two-three hours are KILLING me. today was pretty terrible...a voice and diction paper...tons of paper work for stage movement...a stage movement final scene performance...and a directing scene.
however...i have had quite a fun set of days recently...and more to come...so i guess i really can't complain too much.
i've been thinking a lot lately about how my summer is going to be. mostly i've been mulling over the idea of trying my hardest to get an internship in L.A. i've been emailing different companies and such for what i'm looking for...and i'm thinking about getting together with duke to talk to him about opportunities and/or alumni that i could talk to about opportunities. the other option i am leaning towards is taking class over the summer (again). it never hurts to be ahead of the game...or in the case that i am in where i am taking a bunch of extra classes in PR...it won't hurt to make sure i'm on schedule. maybe in doing that i can knock out some classes...work and make some money...and take a trip to LA or some other crazy and exciting place. i dunno...i need to do something exciting. i need it. everyone does.
christmas break plans? well...unfortunately the 'ol family life isn't exactly what i would have hoped for...but what can you do? i have always been more closely tied to my friends than my family...i've just never been close with any of them. it's too hard to try to work out now. sandra is...well...she's sandra. lord knows where the dad is and what new family he's making this year. the rest of them are all kinda crazy...but not in that fun, eccentric crazy way...just in an "oh my god" way. of course i love them...i have to. at the end of the day...they are still my family and i can say all of this shit about them but if anyone else did i would end them. however, now that i am on my own...living on my own...away from "home", or that idea of home...supporting myself...and by all technical means an adult...i find it gratifying to stay away from home as much as possible. having a place of my own away from a place that caused me so much damn trouble is a luxury i did not have back in the day...and i do not like taking it for granted. i hate sounding like i hate savannah...but i guess i do. eh...i just hate a lot of things that happened there. i mean...i met my best friend in savannah...first love (however fucked up the situation may have been...it existed all the same)...i know some absolutely amazing people there...and i know some absolutely and amazingly shitty people there (but i guess that's just like anywhere). savannah gave me some "good times and great oldies"...but damnit if my serotonin levels don't jump off a skyscraper when i see the "savannah exit 1/2 mile" sign. i don't know...it's just that i like who i am here...and i never was satisfied with who i was there. it gets pretty exhausting being so dissatisfied with yourself. i guess i'm not completely okay with who i am now either...but i am happy. i don't need to be happy with myself...i just need to be happy. everything just seems to be one extreme or the other there...you're either walking on clouds or you want to make a clorox bleach martini. ...maybe i'm just that extreme...but i don't think so. i'm pretty laid back...and i am pretty ok/good at working things out for myself. i am talking in circles. ohhh yeah...finals. this is my problem...i think way too much...and i analyze what i am thinking about too much...and i end up NOWHERE. go me. i should backspace this whole damn entry like i do so many others...but at this point it will take less effort to update it.
wow...that wasn't really any obligatory finals bitching at all...and i didn't answer the christmas break question. basically...i will be home for a few days...somewhere between the 23rd and the 28th...it will depend on how things are there whether or not i stay that long. the beauty is that i have my own home...and if i need to i can come back to it. until then...i'm gonna work and try to save up a little money...stress out about the ITP show...CHILL...and hang out with people.
if i can just get through this friday i will be okay. oh...and it would be pretty great if i could refrain from failing any classes. i don't think that i am in danger of doing that...but i do need to keep up with my 3.0 so as not to lose HOPE...'cause without that little bit o' scholarship money for me...there is no hope at all...no hope to graduate...and no hope to survive.
what? i am going to get a-drunka drunk on friday...and all shall be well.
night.
current mood: anxious current music: "fix you"-coldplay
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Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
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1:12 am - so i really haven't written too much in the 'ol lj lately...
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but i think that's just because i am pretty happy. it's kinda nice. =)
current mood: happy current music: "do you realize"-the flaming lips
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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1:13 am - "i think it's strange you never knew..."
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so...when i came home from the APO meeting, jonny and i cooked dinner and then i forced him to go to best buy with me. we bought the first season of "the office"...it seems promising...oh, and i got my little cousin a birthday present...which was the point.
then i proceeded to pass out in jon's bed and take a reallly long nap...only to wake up really out of it. i am so exhausted lately and all i want to do is sleep...that doesn't really make much sense. i'm waiting for my sleep aide to kick in so i can go back to bed...and then i'm gonna go to my morning class and come home and grab a nap in the hour and a half break i have between my classes.
i don't feel too good. =(
jeez...maybe i have gout? ...probably not...but maybe. actually...probably. yep. that's it.
good night.
current mood: exhausted current music: "fade into you"-mazzy star
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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
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5:52 pm - "i couldn't help it...it's all your fault..."
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so alston's visit was SOOO much fun. i'm so glad he came down...and it was the perfect time because "scrooge" was just ending and tommy's birthday was nearing...so we had time to hang out with him and we got to all go out to dinner for tommy's birthday. a big group of us went out for dinner on sunday night...and then myself, john b., and daryn went to go see "walk the line". oh my god...it was so amazingly good. once again, i am in love with joaquin phoenix...and i was incredibly surprised by reese witherspoon's performance...all around great film. i'm glad i saw it...and i've been listening to johnny cash like a mug since i saw it...and that's always good.
so i think i already touched on the "bandit debauchery" of saturday night...so i'll skip over it.
monday...i really had NO desire to go to my classes...even if i needed to. i almost didn't go to improv...and i thought that tommy wasn't gonna show...in which case i was gonna run out of that damn fine arts building before jacque got there so i could play with alston and tommy. but tommy showed up...and after class i went to the library...and guess who showed up??? ALSTON. he mentionned that he was hungry...and really wanted to see the new harry potter movie...i told him that john b. was talking about how he really wanted to see it the night before...so alston gave him a call...and i decided that what would be best for me at that moment in time would be to skip the rest of my classes, eat lunch, and watch the new harry potter movie with john b. and alston...it was pretty fun. that night alston came over for a slumber party...and we watched "wet, hot, american summer"...omg...that movie is so damn funny. shit. i will own it.
yesterday was the worst day ever...at least at school...i had a quiz and two tests...back to back so there was no time in between to get out of one class mode in my head to jump to the next...we'll see how they went. last night we went out to dinner with alston before he had to leave...and then tommy and laura came over to watch "wet, hot, america summer"...again, it was sooo damn funny.
today i slept in...went to eat lunch with andy and landon...went to the pawn shop...and john b. is gonna come over when he gets off work to hang out for a little while before we go see "rent" tonight with landon. what, i'm so excited. i hope it is EXTRA GAY!
i'm spending thanksgiving with john b. and his family...i'm kinda nervous...i hope they don't think i'm a giant tool. surely they will. however, i will have adam and alex....oh....and i guess john. so that will be good. i'm excited...it should be a lot of fun.
god...i needed a break from school and my daily routine. i hope to do as little as possible...aside from hanging out with people and having fun...i'm up for that.
i need to work on my itp lines...and CHARACTERIZATION for the role. that is all for now.
current mood: chipper current music: "head over feet"-alanis morissette
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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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4:22 am - can i just say this?
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i'm gonna say this. i just had the best time EVER...and for a night that had no planning, rhyme, or reason...it was fantastic.
too much to get into right now...
these were the things involved...
waffle house "crazy zack" 5 shots of rum friends parkview good talks the po-po bandits kidnapping fighting back victory slater incriminating photos
ah contentment. BEDTIME!!!
current mood: chipper
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